Stuff And Things
by DixonVixen93
Summary: Rick has stuff. He has things. But what exactly is he talking about? Blame it all on tumblr and these dear ol' memes. Takes place during the season three premiere. Strictly crackfic.
1. Leave Britney Alone!

**So, if you guys don't take crack fics too well, don't bother reading this. I have spent my last few days laughing my butt off at TWD memes over on tumblr and other comment threads. Rick, apparently, has been doing stuff and things during season three. What **_**are**_** these things and stuff? Well, ya'll are about to find out. **

**Amy is alive, for my sanity and good health. Everything else has happened according to canon.**

**I own nothing. **

_**Stuff And Things- Chapter One: Leave Britney Alone!**_

The remaining Atlanta survivors were afraid, and not just of the walkers. Rick, their de-facto ruler, was currently out of his mind. He had found them a temporary home inside the prison, but he just wasn't himself anymore. When he wasn't checking the perimeter of the prison, he was staring into deep space. Lori hated to admit it, but she knew that it was mostly her fault. He wouldn't even talk to her anymore. Hell, he hardly talked to anyone anymore. The only survivors that he really talked to were Amy, Daryl, and Carl. With Lori into the more advanced stages of her pregnancy, everyone thought that the deputy would have at least looked after her more. Rick did look after his wife; he just didn't get too close to her anymore. The group began to wonder about him and Amy, but no one really had the heart to question it.

Rick swore up and down that he was busy. He had _stuff_ and _things_ to do. None of his trusted few knew what was going on with him, but they figured that he had mentally checked out. Ever since the deputy had to kill his best friend, the majority of the group questioned his ability to lead.

But, really, what they should have been questioning was his taste for music…

o—o—o

Amy set her bag down in the cell that she would be sharing with Beth. The group had just recently moved into the prison, and now everyone was just trying to settle down the best that they could. The blonde girl frowned as she looked down at the pink tote bag she bought from Victoria's Secret years ago. Where was her iPod? She began digging all the way to the bottom of her bag looking for it. Amy could have sworn that she had placed it right on top. The former college student had saved her battery for a rainy day. She had figured that there would be a time where she would actually want to listen to it, when she wasn't too particularly afraid of dying, that was.

"Aimes, what are you looking for?" Beth asked as she stepped closer towards the older blonde, stretching onto her tiptoes to see what she was doing.

Amy pouted and pushed her bag to the side. "I was looking for my iPod. Thought I put it up top."

"I'm sure you'll find it," her friend assured her. When Beth and Amy met, the two girls had formed a particularly close bond. The youngest Harrison sister was mentally just as young as the youngest Greene sister was. Amy had helped Beth crawl out of her suicidal mindset. She had even sat with the seventeen-year-old and braided her hair for her on her particularly bad days. For that, the younger blonde couldn't have been more grateful.

"Yeah," Amy breathed, rolling her shoulders back. "So, I guess this is it," she added, glancing around at their cell. "Wish I had some things for decorating, though…"

Beth laughed quietly. She still wasn't quite right, after all, people she loved kept getting taken from her. It had been eight months, and not once did she think that everything was going to be alright. That was something that she had Amy shared in common. In the past eight months, she still hadn't seen a sign of her sister. She wanted to go back and look for her, but Rick had stopped her in her tracks.

Not even a beat later, Carol had stuck her head into the cell. "Girls, Daryl's building us a fire for dinner tonight. Ya'll are more than welcome to come out whenever you get done settling in."

Amy and Beth glanced at each other and left their belongings in the cell, saving unpacking for later on during the night. Everyone was hungry, and god damned tired. Just the sound of food made their mouths water, and the sound of an actual bed was just heavenly.

o—o—o

As Beth and Maggie continued singing by the fire, Amy's eyes began to wander to Rick. He had been pacing around for hours. He wouldn't come to sit down, not even for a moment. Lori hadn't been able to convince him to rest his feet, and Amy damn sure wasn't going to try it.

Rick fiddled in his pocket for the iPod that he had taken out of the unsuspecting blonde's bag. He had gone to hug her, and saw that she had the gadget still on her. The former deputy needed something to focus on. His wife was an ungrateful bitch who had been cheating on him like a dog. He didn't even know if that kid was his!

He turned the electronic device on, and grinned just a little when he noticed that it had 95% battery power. Rick didn't even care that the ear buds were bright pink, or that the iPod case was of Hello Kitty. He just plugged in and flipped through Amy's playlist. That was when it came to him. Britney Spears.

Before the former deputy knew it, he was dancing. It actually felt good to put everything aside and just dance like no one was watching. And when walkers decided to cut in, he would give them a good stabbing, and just continue moving to the music.

_You drive me crazy… I just can't sleep. _

How appropriate, Rick thought as he hummed to the lyrics. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he knew all of Britney's songs from dealing with Lori for so long. They had been high school sweethearts, and he had never once given up on them. Had he known just how psychotic his wife would be today, though…

Amy quirked an eyebrow towards the deputy in question when she suddenly realized that he was dancing. She elbowed Lori in the arm and nudged her head towards Rick. He was just jamming absently, waving his knife around in the air as a guide of sorts.

"Lori, has Rick ever done this before?" the blonde girl asked, looking over at the pregnant brunette.

"Not that I can recall—"

"HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!" Rick slammed a hand over his mouth and looked towards the group. He had an audience and, thankfully, not an undead audience. (Or would it have been better if he had walkers watching him? They, obviously, had no room to judge him.)

He grumbled a little as he pocketed the iPod once again. Lori was always trying to ruin his fun…

During the next day when his wife confronted him about needing to talk to him, he had brought up the fact that he was done talking to her. If she needed to talk to someone, she was supposed to go and talk to Hershel.

"Well, what are you doing?" Lori huffed, crossing her arms.

"I'm doing _stuff_, Lori. I've got things," Rick assured her, prompting a scoff from his wife.

"Right, like stealing Amy's iPod to listen to Britney pop hits?" the expecting brunette questioned in disbelief. "I need you here, Rick, not off in la-la land!"

"I can't do anything else for you, Lori. I'm doing what I can, okay?" the mentally incapable father began, glaring down at her.

Lori just watched as her husband walked away from her. "Are you really giving up on us? Just like that?"

Rick popped the ear buds back into place in his ears and turned the iPod back on. His head bobbed up and down as the next pop hit started blaring through his ears.

"She's so lucky, she's a star," the deputy sung under his breath, ducking a walker one second and decapitating it the next. "But she cry, cry, cries, in her lonely heart thinking…"

The pregnant woman shook her head as her husband stalked off, humming the rest of the song to himself. Rick was far gone…

"By the way, Lor," the deputy called back to his wife from over his shoulder, "there is _nothing_ wrong with Britney Spears."

**So, I know that most of this was background. Now, it's up to ya'll whether I post more or not. I could mark this as a one-shot. If ya want more, review, fav, subscribe, something. **


	2. If You Seek Amy

**Hope ya'll don't have your thinking caps on, 'cause you seriously won't need it here. Rick is nutty, and yet that's okay here. Thanks everyone for the support thus far!**

**Special thanks go out to: Rollerskates190, Jenasys Loveless Lovecraft, ShutxThexFrontxDoor, and IronAmerica for their reviews last chapter. **

**I do not own The Walking Dead.**

_**Stuff And Things- Chapter Two: If You Seek Amy**_

Rick had been scaring the living daylights out of his fellow survivors since he had gone off the deep end. He wasn't a fit leader at the moment; he was far too busy jamming to Britney Spears and being on the lookout for walkers. (Okay, so at least he was protecting them from that, but God forbid an actual person tried to get in the middle of this.)

Amy, after having a little chat with the rest of the group, had been bullied into trying to get her iPod back from the loon in question. The others figured that she would be the one that he would listen to, given the fact that he had been sweet on her ever since things with Lori went sour.

When the blonde survivor came up to Rick, he was, as always, plugged in and singing his heart out. While it _really_ wasn't that good hearing him singing in a high-pitched girly voice, she tried her best to get this over with, with a smile on her face.

"Uh, Rick, can we talk for a second?" Amy asked.

Rick grinned at her and frolicked over while holding his fingers out. Good Lord, he was going to start singing again. He had just finished singing "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman". Now _that_ was priceless.

"French fingertips, red lips, this bitch is dangerous," he sung, wiggling his fingers as he glanced at Amy.

"Rick, I really need to talk to you," the blonde began worriedly. Her blue eyes widened when he wrapped an arm around her and continued singing.

"Cotton candy kiss, can't wait for the sugar rush!" He screeched, kissing her on the cheek like in the lyrics.

Amy pulled away from Rick, shaking her head to get a hold of herself. He wasn't being himself. He would have never kissed her in his right mind, even on the cheek. "Rick, c'mon, when is the last time you got a good night's sleep?"

"This feeling so strong, I'm puttin' you on tonight," Rick sung to her, clinging right back around her waist.

"Rick!" the young blonde squeaked. "Please, listen to me. I need my iPod back."

The former deputy sighed and took the pink ear buds out. "But I like having music to listen to. It makes me not so… focused on me and Lori."

Amy smiled sadly, not bothering to move out of his arms. "Well, maybe you just have to find another distraction. A healthier, saner distraction that doesn't involve you burning up my battery. I actually have my iPod for a service, you know."

"Britney Spears?" Rick asked her, innocently glancing down at her.

The former college student just snorted. "Not really. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Britney, but no…" her lips began to twitch slightly. "I have recent pictures of my parents on there. And, well, the odds are pretty high that I will never, _ever_ see them again."

He traced his hand up and down the blonde's back, just to be able to do something. He might have been out of his mind, but he was aware of _some_ things.

Amy tried to hide the smile growing on her face. She was sure that he was going to give her iPod over after that sob story. However, when the former deputy plugged the ear buds back in, the blonde was sure that her face fell.

"Oooh! It's your song, Amy!" Rick bobbed his head along with the music blasting through his ears. "Baby, baby, have you seen Amy tonight?"

At that point, Amy wanted to smack her head against something very hard. Maybe then all of these comedic acts would stop bugging her. Did they miss the memo about the world ending?

"Is she in the bathroom, is she smokin' up outside?" He continued, nuzzling comfortably into her blonde locks.

"Rick, please, just give me my iPod back!" the former college student pleaded. It was really quite cute how he was singing to her, but she knew that if she fed into it, she would get chewed out by Lori for not helping the situation any.

"Ha ha, he he, ha ha, ho!" Rick sung, pulling her even closer.

"Oh, come on!" Amy began, bashfully pushing the former deputy away. She surely had hoped that he wasn't aware of her very prominent blush. "Rick, you've lost your mind!" She added with a slight chuckle. Even then, he just continued to pull her back into his arms.

"Love me, hate me. Say what you want about me!" the blue-eyed former deputy buried his head beneath Amy's hair, taking her hands in his own as he swayed with her to the pop music blaring out.

The blonde, at this point, couldn't hold her laughter in much longer. So be it if she was bitched out!

"But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy!" the two swayed around to some offbeat number, not that either of them minded. Amy was too busy trying to keep herself together, and Rick was just having the time of his life.

All of a sudden, Rick stopped and went digging for the iPod in his pocket. "Noooooo! Why did it change the song on me?!"

Amy stood back and watched her friend go crazy over the change in song. "What? You don't like Katy Perry?" she teased.

"I wanna see your peacock-_cock,_" the former deputy slapped a hand back over his mouth, just like he had the night that he got caught singing Britney aloud. "No! Amy, why'd it do that?"

"It shuffled the song 'cause you moved a particular way. Always gotta be a bitch," the blonde assured Rick. "You can always go back, you know…"

"But, I was…." Rick whined, a pout stretching across his lips. "Amy…"

She rolled her eyes and held her hand out. "C'mon, give it here." Rick just gave her a look, to which she returned it playfully.

The former deputy let out a defeated sigh and handed over the iPod. He thought that she was going to take it away from him for good. However, he was surely surprised when she handed it back over to him, having switched it back to Britney Spears for him. Rick just grinned back at the blonde and kissed her square on the mouth.

Amy stood there in shock for a few moments after. Did he really just kiss her? Apparently, though, he wasn't going to dwell on that fact. Rick just started humming the intro to "Stronger" and scurried off in the opposite direction.

o—o—o

Later on that night, Lori came up to Amy, asking how everything went. The blonde tried to keep her calm. She most certainly couldn't tell her that Rick had kissed her. That would have broken the poor woman's heart. Even if Lori did deserve it, Amy decided to keep her opinions to herself about all of that.

"Hey Aimes, got a minute?" Lori asked, one hand supporting her very large stomach.

Amy just nodded and left her post at the fire pit in between the prison gates. "Yeah, sure. What's up?"

Lori quirked an eyebrow. "Did you get Rick to listen to you about that stupid iPod? How he's _scaring_ his son?"

The blonde motioned over to where Rick stood in front of the fence, just dancing away. Eventually, he would run out of Britney songs to listen to, she figured. But hell, there were so many more pop artists to go through on her iPod…. "See for yourself," Amy muttered.

The pregnant brunette held her mouth open for a moment. "What the hell? I thought you were going to talk him _out_ of it?"

"Yeah, well," Amy shrugged, "he's just like a kid right now, Lori. I dunno what's going on with him, but he tried to throw a fit when he thought that I was going to take it away from him!"

Lori paused for a second to let all of that process. "Now, what?"

"Beats me. I'm just entertaining him for as long as I can. But, when the iPod dies…" the blonde shook her head, "I can promise you that it won't be a pretty sight."

Amy brushed past the older woman, leaving her to her thoughts. Maybe there could have been another way that the blonde could have distracted Rick, but she wouldn't dare mention any of that to his _wife_, for crying out loud!

The expecting mother sighed and looked towards her husband. When she had made him listen to Britney Spears in the car, she never would have thought that this would be the outcome. Rick had gone _insane_.

"I love rock n roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby!" Rick sang, taunting walkers from the other side of the fence. He jabbed one right in the eye, which made the former deputy start his victory dance once again.

Lori just shook her head. Somehow, she knew that this was _all_ of her fault.

**Well, what did ya'll think? Reviews are loved. **


	3. Me Against The Music

**Alright, so even though the reviews are lacking this update around, I really want to get this chapter out there. This will, probably, be the last chapter of "Stuff And Things". If ya'll enjoyed it enough that you want to see another parody, let me know in the review!**

**Many thanks go out to: IronAmerica, and ShutxThexFrontxDoor for their reviews last chapter. **

**I do not own The Walking Dead. **

_**Stuff And Things- Chapter Three: Me Against The Music**_

Rick Grimes had high hopes that Amy's iPod would last him a good, long while. He shut it off in between use, even if he did listen to it every day! She swore up and down that the music player would eventually die, but the former deputy hadn't expected it to be this soon.

He stood at the gate, bobbing his head to the music as he watched the walkers meander around the other side of it. The survivors were safe, for now, and Rick decided to relax with a little Britney.

When Amy came out of the cellblock to look for him, she wasn't surprised to find him by the gate. He tried to stay there for as long as he could, and everyone knew it. Rick was avoiding Lori like the plague, with good reason of course. Every time she went up to him, it was because either she wanted something, or she just wanted to gripe about something. The former deputy was just _over_ it.

"I'm _not_ that innocent," he sung, grabbing a hold of the gate and leaning himself against it. "….You see my problem is this—"

"Rick!" Amy called, coming up to him warily. He saw her coming and gave her a big ol' smile in return. "What are you doing out here? It's getting late."

"I'm dreaming away," Rick hummed, taking his blonde friend by the hand and pulling her into his arms. "Wishing that heroes, they truly exist," he spun her around and dipped her for a rather sporadic kiss.

When Amy was hoisted back up, her blue eyes had grown impossibly wide. "May—maybe you just need to eat something."

"I was blind, Aimes. Lori had never been there for me since all of this shit went down," Rick rasped down at her, blue eyes boring into blue. "But you were, now weren't you?"

"You're just saying this. When all of this is over with, you'll regret trying to mess around with me," Amy shook her head, "and I really don't have the heart to do this with you, knowing that in advanced."

"I'm not _messing_ around," he brought her closer again and just smiled at her before starting to sing once again. "I cry watching the days. Can't you see I'm a fool in so many ways?"

The blonde thought about the lyrics for a moment. Was he singing about their situation? How weird could this be?

"Rick, come on," she tried to tell him. "Please. You aren't making this very fair for me, you know—"

"But to lose all of my senses, that is just so _ty_-pic-ally me. Baby, oh!" Rick let Amy go and in turn grabbed the fence, pulling himself to and back away from it as he continued. "Oops I did it again! I played with your heart," he pulled himself away at that moment and swung his head around to look back at Amy, "got lost in the game. Oh BABY BABY! Oops, you think I'm in lo—oo-oo—ve. I'm _not _that innocent!"

"Rick, you really need to give it a rest," Amy tried again, reaching out for the deranged survivor. "You are drawing unnecessary attention to everyone. Please," she pleaded. "Calm down."

The former deputy wasn't paying the blonde any attention, however. He just started deliberately swaying his hips, something that Amy would be seeing in her mind for a _good_, long while after the fact.

She was surprised to see that he stopped a moment or so later. Blue eyes locked together as he went blindly digging for the iPod in his pocket. Something was definitely not right, and the former college student could tell.

"Rick," Amy warily replied, giving him a look, "why do you have that panicked look in your eyes? Usually, that's never any good…"

"Nothing," the former deputy practically squeaked, shoving the device back into his pocket.

The blonde sighed and stepped closer to the man in question. "Rick, please," she tried again, her eyes glued on his. In that instant, she knew what this was about. "Oh, my God."

"Amy, I—" Rick stuttered, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I didn't mean to. I—"

"Just give it to me," Amy replied hastily. Her friend just gave her the most pitiful look that she had ever seen in her life.

The deputy sighed and handed the iPod over to her. Before he could even finish his song, the music player had given up the ghost. And since electricity to power it up was hard to come by these days, it would probably stay dead for the near future.

Amy brushed past Rick with a sad look frozen upon her face. All of those pictures of her sister and their parents were gone. Possibly for good! Rick Grimes would surely pay for all of this.

o—o—o

Rick peered over at Amy from across the dinner table, feeling more than a little guilty. She still wasn't speaking to him. And, actually, she wasn't really speaking to anyone at this point. The deputy knew that he had to make it up to her somehow, some way. Even if that meant that she chewed off his head in the first place, so be it.

"Amy," he began, gaining her eyes on him for the first time in hours. "I know that you must think—" he shook his head as she just stared at him. "Yeah, I screwed up."

"Ya think?" Amy scoffed, plopping another heaping of food onto her plate. "Those were my only pictures left of my parents. If you hadn't gone _nuts_, then I would still have it…" the young girl squared her shoulders and took in a deep breath. "l guess this is what I get for being so nice, huh?"

"Uh, Aimes," called Lori, who was looking in between her husband and the young blonde rather suspiciously. "You wanna tell me what's going on here?"

"Not really, no," she replied, scooting her plate away from her. "I'm not really hungry anyways. Gonna just… call it quits for the night, I guess."

Tension filled the room as Amy got up from the table. Not even her best friend Beth tried to stop her. Hell, Rick wanted to, but he knew that she would claw his eyes out if he so much as followed her towards her cell.

About an hour later, the former deputy went out to the fire pit, hoping that he would find her there. Amy was sitting around the dimly lit fire, hugging her own frame close.

And that was when Rick got an idea. A horribly _stupid_ idea, but an idea nonetheless.

The former deputy plopped down next to Amy, who just sat idly with a tear-stained face. While she wasn't happy to see Rick, she didn't say anything as he sat down.

"Amy," he braced himself as he called out towards her. There was really no telling what type of mood she would be in. When she glanced over at him, he just spared her a smile. "I guess it's my turn to ask _you_ how you're doing."

"My only physical proof that my parents—or my sister, for that matter, ever existed is gone. So, I'm sorry if I seem a little out of it…" the blonde explained, glancing down at her intertwined fingers.

"I know," Rick acquiesced. "And I'm sorry," he gently slung an arm around her shoulders, surprising even Amy. "But at least you've got your memories."

"Yeah," the blonde shrugged. "It's still not the same though…"

"What was your favorite movie as a kid?" the former deputy chuckled. "I can't tell you how many times I watched _Finding Nemo_ with Carl."

Amy looked up at Rick, as if she were considering his question. Maybe this was just him going loco again…

"I only ask, 'cause I know that I tend to think back on the happy moments that me, Lori, and Carl had before the world ended," he squeezed her shoulder gently. "It's not much, but it helps."

The former college student had a small smile in place as she replied. "The Little Mermaid. That was my favorite movie growing up. I'd drive Andrea crazy, putting the CD on repeat over and over again. Heck, I wore the cassette out before I got it on DVD one year for my birthday."

Rick just grinned, the gears already spinning in his mind. "Oh, really?"

Amy's face fell as she realized that she might have said too much. "Oh, God. Are you going to sing to me now? Rick—"

"There you see her. Sitting there across the way," he sang into her ear, sending chills up her spine. "She don't got a lot to say, but there's something about her."

"Rick, if Lori comes out and sees this, she's going to flip," she reminded him sternly.

The former deputy just shook his head and lay his head on her shoulder as he went to sing the next few lines. "And you don't know why, but you're dying to try. You wanna kiss the girl."

If Amy had looked away a second sooner, she would have completely missed the kiss that was coming her way. Their lips met for a moment far too quick; the young blonde was blushing so bright by the time he pulled away from her.

"Yes, you want her. Look at her; you know you do. It's possible she wants you, too," Rick winked down at her, wearing the silliest of all grins.

The former college student was about seconds from giving up completely and just letting Rick do whatever the hell he wanted to with her. Instead though, Lori rudely interrupted them.

"Amy, hon, are you feeling better?" the pregnant woman asked, one hand supporting her belly as she came closer.

Rick was none too pleased to see his wife, but he supposed that he had to put up with her until the baby was born. Even if it wasn't his baby after all…

"A bit," the blonde replied earnestly.

Lori smiled back at Amy and squeezed her shoulder. By that time, Rick had taken his arm back from around the former college student. "So, what are ya'll doing out here? It's really kinda late, huh?"

"Just got some stuff to do. And things to handle, Lor," the former deputy shrugged. "No big deal to me."

The brunette survivor just sighed and frowned at her husband. "Fine, but I'm taking Amy back inside. I don't want her catching the crazy."

Rick watched as his wife pulled the young blonde away from him. He sent Amy one last imploring look before she left alongside Lori.

The cellblock slammed shut behind both women, and he just couldn't help but grin to himself. Rick got up from the fire pit and padded over to the gate where a couple of walkers were watching from a far.

"I'm a slave… for you…"

**And that's where I'll conclude "Stuff And Things" hope ya'll enjoyed!**


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